she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
