In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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