The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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