If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
