Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
