no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
