he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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