Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
