then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
