Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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