i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
