We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
