she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
