WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
