chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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