i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
