my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
