Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
