there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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