Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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