I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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