I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
