my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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