Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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