I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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