He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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