I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
