found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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