Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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