Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
