so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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