i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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