Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
