I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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