Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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