these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
