So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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