I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
