ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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