You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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