If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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