ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize