If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize