Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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