Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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