Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
