I CAN MOONWALK!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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