Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
