my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
