Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
