I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize