you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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