the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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