Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize