the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize