if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize