Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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