dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
