I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
birth control should be required to get into college
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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