I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
