I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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