and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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