I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
