thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
