The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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