I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When are your genitals available?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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