I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
