i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize