Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
