I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
